Help Free Autistic Grad from Coerced Debt

Hello! My name is Kristen. I admit I'm using a false surname for my own protection, which I'll explain in a bit.

This is the story of how I was manipulated by my narcissist abusers into accumulating over $33k in debt.

I’m Autistic, and have a neurological disability called Misophonia on top of that. 

One evening in 2013, having recently returned from a YWAM missions trip my stepfather had urged me to go on (which was disastrous with my then undiagnosed disabilities) my mother had my stepfather sit me down on the bench on our porch and ask me why I wasn’t applying to college yet like my mother wanted. I told him I felt God was telling me it wasn’t time to go back to school. He shook his head and told me, “But we’re telling you to go back. If you’re worried about disobeying God, then don’t you see? The Bible says to honor your father and mother. So by listening to us, it’s impossible to disobey God! You can’t lose! God would never ask you to do something against us. …And as long as you’re living under our roof, for such cheap rent… you’ll do as we say.”

I knew it was terrible logic. But I’d been conditioned by this time to know it didn’t matter what I said/thought/felt/sensed. I knew what a living nightmare they could make my life if I didn’t go along with their plans. So I enrolled in a different nearby junior college than the one I’d attended previously, and made plans to transfer to a relatively cheap four year private university.

My parents wanted me to attend the state college in our hometown, so I could live at home. But I’d had some negative experiences in junior college that scared me, and I knew I’d feel safer at a private school. Again, I didn’t want to attend college yet, but I kept telling myself I had to because they told me I had to.

“Don’t worry about the debt you’ll accumulate over the next few years. It’s an investment in your future. College grads earn on average a million more in their lifetime than people who don’t graduate from college.”

“It doesn’t matter what your degree is in! Employers will see you earned a college degree and they’ll recognize that takes character! Having any kind of degree will give you an advantage in the job market!”

My parents and even my grandmother told me that. With no clear idea of what I wanted to do or to be, I kept what they said in mind and chose to study something I knew I’d be good at and wouldn’t hate – theatre. I’m ashamed to even say it. It was such a stupid idea. The only dream I had at that time was to be a voice actress, and how could I know if it was a realistic one or not unless I pursued it a bit? And if I changed my mind, I could just change my major, right?

Attending class with Misophonia is like a veteran with PTSD working full-time at a shooting range.

At first I didn’t feel comfortable comparing Misophonia to PTSD, until a close friend who had PTSD told me the two disorders had to be related.

Any time people typed notes, clicked pens, ate, slurped, bounced their legs, chewed or popped gum, opened and closed their binders or markers, cracked their knuckles, or crinkled their water bottles in class or rehearsal, it would activate an involuntary fight or flight response that would make me sweat, or cry, or get headaches, stomachaches, or backaches. I’d wear earplugs and push them so far into my ear canals it would hurt. I couldn’t hear my professors but I could still hear the noises. Sometimes I’d run out of the room. And don’t think the Students with Disabilities Department helped at all!

When I wasn’t triggered in class or at rehearsals for hours at a time, I was stressed about the next time I would be, and wondering how I could ever have a job or get married if I couldn’t handle school. I was suffering from severe isolation, and on top of everything, my mother had decided to cut my brother and his wife and kids from her life, and as I still lived at home when I wasn’t at school, I felt I had to do the same. I couldn’t see through the scapegoat vs. golden child games or triangulation tactics. Immediately following cutting my brother - my best friend - from my life, the stress took a major toll on my body.

I wound up developing a severe case of Increased Intestinal Permeability (Leaky Gut), which resulted in Hashimoto’s Disease (an autoimmune disease of the thyroid). My food allergy test came back saying I was allergic to almost every fruit, vegetable, nut, and grain.



That’s how angry and overactive my immune system was from being in fight or flight for hours at a time every day. I also developed gastritis because I’d been taking Advil consistently for my headaches, and lost 25 lbs in one year (I went from 112 lbs to 87 lbs).

A year after I had cut out my brother, my mother, a “licensed Biblical counselor,” (this was her hobby, not her profession) told me I had to let her counsel me, or else pay a professional out of my own pocket. Like many under a narcissist’s thumb, it never even crossed my mind I could say “No.” Every week I’d sit there for hours while she enjoyed the opportunity to criticize everything I said, did, thought, or felt under the guise of “counselling.” I finally understood why so many people would leave their church (my stepfather was a pastor of a church that has since shut down since so many people kept leaving it). I also finally understood what my brother had already seen in our parents, and we made up.

But my body was still falling apart. I was self-harming and had a detailed suicide plan, but still hoped I’d find a reason to live. After how much I struggled to function in school (though I was getting good grades and performing well in plays) I couldn’t imagine trying to pursue voice acting… or anything. But I couldn’t switch majors because then I’d have to stay in school even longer, and school was killing me. I couldn’t just drop out. My college fund was gone and I had so much debt already and if I didn’t have a degree to show for it, then what? And what would my parents say or do?

So I stuck it out. And I graduated in 2018.



So far, I’ve only been able to get a part-time job in retail. I’ve been trying to get full-time work as a receptionist in another state, away from my parents. Most of the job listings I’m finding would only earn me $20k per year. I want to start paying back my student loans, which have been accruing interest.

With the Covid-19 shutdown, the relief money I received helped me pay back the credit card I used before I got my part-time job, as well as a hospital bill from Summer 2018. But now my parents are hounding me for money.

My mother, the most able-bodied, educated, and experienced person in the house, decided to stop looking for work a few years ago and pursue her own education further (despite being turned down for jobs for being “overqualified”). She spent two years and a lot of money sitting on the couch getting her master’s degree in church leadership. My stepfather is also pursuing a master’s degree in faith studies and turned down a six figure job last year because it wasn’t in ministry. Right now I’m making the most money in our household at my part-time minimum wage job, and it’s just enough to keep myself afloat under their roof, but they’ve been asking me for money lately.

I got the last-chance-before-we-send-you-to-collections letter from the hospital. My mother had been telling me all this time not to pay it.

“Oh, they can’t send you to collections during a class action lawsuit that you’re a part of.” (I checked with a lawyer – they can.)

“It’s worth a ding on your credit to not pay it, and it’ll only be on your record for seven years.” (But credit can get you things – it can even help get me out of here.)

My stepfather said, “You should just make little payments on the hospital bill – like $20 per month – so if they do take you to court, the judge will see you’re doing what you can with your part-time job.” But I knew I could pay the whole $2,757.14 with my Covid-19 money, so that felt dishonest.

A couple days later, when I told my stepfather I was thinking of paying the whole hospital bill, he said, “Okay, you want to know why I have a problem with that? Because you haven’t started paying us back for your school expenses at all! You have three creditors: the hospital, the government, and us. You should make payments to all three of us consistently.”

But I can’t. I got a chunk of money during the shutdown, but that’s over. Now I’m back at work, only getting what I earn, and what I earn is just enough for me. I’m still actively looking for full-time work. So far I’ve had no luck, and from the emails I’ve received from Navient, it sounds like I’m going to have to start paying back my student loans in September.

Since that conversation with my stepfather, I’ve paid the hospital bill. The next day, my mother asked me “If God calls us to another state and provides jobs for us, and it’s a cooler climate, and we find a house that accommodates you, so you can get out of California like you want… will you pay our moving costs? Like the truck?”

Using my savings to pay to stay with them when I’m trying to escape them would be counter-productive.

They’ve used other tactics to try to keep me with them, too. If I talk about wanting independence, they say, “It’s not your fault you haven’t accomplished what other people have by your age… you have Autism. They haven’t had to face the challenges you have,” or “Aren’t you glad though that you have us? Other people don’t have safe parents who can support them… you’ll always have a home here, or wherever we are,” or “You know… in the old days, girls didn’t move out ‘til they got married. And that’s actually safer. Even if you don’t get married ‘til you’re 40, there’s nothing wrong with staying with us.”

As you can imagine, the reason I’m using a false name is because I’m paranoid. I’m terrified of them finding out about what I’ve said about them. I’m afraid they’ll Google my name to see what comes up and find this. They used to ground me (in my 20s) for posting anything implying I was unhappy on Facebook because “If people from the church see it, they’ll think it’s our fault, and leave the church. The devil uses things like this to hinder the kingdom of God.” And I already know it wouldn’t take much for them to discard me. My mother already disowned me once but took me back after I groveled. She wrote my brother out of her will the day his daughter was stillborn, and she came home and said to me in my grief, “Well look on the bright side: when we die you get everything!”

For too long I’ve hoped to stay in their good graces so I could get my inheritance (if there’s anything left) – even if it’s just the house – so I could split the money with my brother and use my half to pay back the student loans they talked me into accumulating in the first place. But I can’t live under their thumb anymore. A friend told me recently I should live like I won’t get my inheritance, and my brother said he doesn’t care if he ever gets his half; he just wants me to be free.

I’m still doing my best to find full-time work that I would be able to do with my Autism and Misophonia, but I could really use some help. Besides the $33,493.52 I owe the government, I also owe my parents somewhere between $25k and $35k, and I’m afraid to ask them for an exact number because I’m afraid they’ll think, "Oh good, she’s going to start paying us back right now."

Since I don’t know how much I owe them, I’m not comfortable asking for help with that debt. Hopefully I’ll get a full-time job soon and be able to start paying them back someday myself.

For now, please help me with the $33,493.52 in government student loans that will begin accruing interest again in September (I’m rounding up, anticipating interest). I’ve already accrued $1k in interest in a year.

Being freed from this ever-growing debt would be such a huge step in me breaking free from my parents and the way they've tried to run my life. I'd be able to move out without an extra huge bill looming over my head every month that I likely wouldn't be able to pay on a $20k per year income. 
Thank you for any contribution you can make.